Hey People!

What I'm about to write below is very personal and emotional for me. Coming outs aren't the easiest thing, but at this point I feel I have to do this to get it out of my system and start getting my life back.

The situation calls for an immediate reaction due to the state I am in. Decided to write and do this personally instead of asking my close ones to do that for me. Excuse me for any mistakes in writing, grammar etc. I'll do my best to make sense here, but basically even writing is a huge challenge for me these days.

I've been struggling with physical and mental issues for many years.

Sold all of my instruments and equipment in 2019 to survive. After 5 months I did get back on my feet and was back at work on the Dimmu/Amorphis tour in the begining of 2020 with high hopes of bringing my life back on track.

Then the COVID - 19 showed up to cancel everything. All of the tours with Dimmu Borgir, Emperor and Katatonia that I was booked for the entire 2020 were suddenly erased.

The whole lock down / no work & any sort of income nor the options for gov't support caused the most horrible breakdown I have ever experienced. Followed by a completely hopeless downward spiral of self-destructive / suicidal behaviour.

However, I did my best to try and find myself in this new situation. Started working on a construction site first.

Then for MLC Amps + Munin Live. A lot of awesome things came out of this and it all looked like a fantastic perspective for the future.

I was full of vital powers, sober, highly motivated and as far as I heard I was doing a pretty damn good job with showcasing the gear in Scandinavia. Made fantastic new friends on the way like David Castillo, Roger Ojersson, Fredrik Akesson, Jonas Renkse, Maciej Pieloch, Marek Laskowski, Leszek Szuta, Tue Madsen, Tommy Gentry, Simon Johansson, Rasmus Ehborn, Jens Bogren, Jay Six, Jakob Herrmann, Svend, Lasse & the rest of BAEST and more...

Then suddenly something out of the blue happend. It was like a guillotine that cut me off from reality. I wasn't sure if I'm even here, couldn't focus on anything really and literally stopped giving a damn about anything too. It all began to seem like... a kind of constant lucid dream if that gives you a better idea.

The toughest part though was the fact that my head was trying to talk me into ending this sad, pathetic and hopeless existence, every single fucking day.

Around the same time the body started kicking my ass even more than before due to dislocated discs which got me barely walking for months.

The constant anxiety together with suicide attempts over the years that I never told anyone about before pushed me to finally dismiss my stubborn proud ego.

I opened up to my dearest friend and partner Martyna together with my parents who listened to me and then managed to convince me to go to the doctor and finally do something about how I've been feeling for most of my adult life.

So yeah, here I am coming out with a Bipolar Disorder diagnosis which explains a lot of my irracional and sometimes really fucked up moods + behaviours. To be clear it only explains it NOT justifies it.

My sincere apologies go to anyone that might have felt offended, used or abused by my actions. I am doing my best to deal with all this and become a better human being.

Who knows what else is waiting around the corner since

currently I am also being checked physically due to worrying signs that have been showing for some time already.

My family and friends helped me all the way as much as they could and I am so greatful to every single one of them, but I can't continue relying on them like that cause the times are hard for them too.

I am completely broken, drained, broke, not able to work, got no savings. Facing a long term treatment with meds and an intense therapy I cannot affort.

This is the reason I am starting this foundraiser. It feels awkward AF to be honest with you. Took me a month to process the decision since ppl from around the world began to talk me into this.

And the music...well to be fair with you I didn't listened to my own records that much over the years. I was living it and ocassionally performing it live. I did it lately and it was intense...it's all in there. No words will describe it better than the emotion in my music does.

If you are in a position to support my case I will be eternally greatful and every penny will definitely help me go through these darkest times.

Thanx for taking time to read this and for your support!

I would also like to encourage every single one of you who struggles with similar issues to mine to come forward and ask for help. I know it is the hardest part. I'm 39 this year and it took me about 15 years to realise and accept the fact that I am not well and actually need help. There is no shame in it. The meds and therapy helps.

Not alcohol and drugs. Now I know.

Always forward,

Love

Mateusz.

English below:

Hey People!

What I'm about to write below is very personal and emotional for me. Coming outs aren't the easiest thing, but at this point I feel I have to do this to get it out of my system and start getting my life back.

The situation calls for an immediate reaction due to the state I am in. Decided to write and do this personally instead of asking my close ones to do that for me. Excuse me for any mistakes in writing, grammar etc. I'll do my best to make sense here, but basically even writing is a huge challenge for me these days.

I've been struggling with physical and mental issues for many years.

Sold all of my instruments and equipment in 2019 to survive. After 5 months I did get back on my feet and was back at work on the Dimmu/Amorphis tour in the begining of 2020 with high hopes of bringing my life back on track.

Then the COVID - 19 showed up to cancel everything. All of the tours with Dimmu Borgir, Emperor and Katatonia that I was booked for the entire 2020 were suddenly erased.

The whole lock down / no work & any sort of income nor the options for gov't support caused the most horrible breakdown I have ever experienced. Followed by a completely hopeless downward spiral of self-destructive / suicidal behaviour.

However, I did my best to try and find myself in this new situation. Started working on a construction site first.

Then for MLC Amps + Munin Live. A lot of awesome things came out of this and it all looked like a fantastic perspective for the future.

I was full of vital powers, sober, highly motivated and as far as I heard I was doing a pretty damn good job with showcasing the gear in Scandinavia. Made fantastic new friends on the way like David Castillo, Roger Ojersson, Fredrik Akesson, Jonas Renkse, Maciej Pieloch, Marek Laskowski, Leszek Szuta, Tue Madsen, Tommy Gentry, Simon Johansson, Rasmus Ehborn, Jens Bogren, Jay Six, Jakob Herrmann, Svend, Lasse & the rest of BAEST and more...

Then suddenly something out of the blue happend. It was like a guillotine that cut me off from reality. I wasn't sure if I'm even here, couldn't focus on anything really and literally stopped giving a damn about anything too. It all began to seem like... a kind of constant lucid dream if that gives you a better idea.

The toughest part though was the fact that my head was trying to talk me into ending this sad, pathetic and hopeless existence, every single fucking day.

Around the same time the body started kicking my ass even more than before due to dislocated discs which got me barely walking for months.

The constant anxiety together with suicide attempts over the years that I never told anyone about before pushed me to finally dismiss my stubborn proud ego.

I opened up to my dearest friend and partner Martyna together with my parents who listened to me and then managed to convince me to go to the doctor and finally do something about how I've been feeling for most of my adult life.

So yeah, here I am coming out with a Bipolar Disorder diagnosis which explains a lot of my irracional and sometimes really fucked up moods + behaviours. To be clear it only explains it NOT justifies it.

My sincere apologies go to anyone that might have felt offended, used or abused by my actions. I am doing my best to deal with all this and become a better human being.

Who knows what else is waiting around the corner since

currently I am also being checked physically due to worrying signs that have been showing for some time already.

My family and friends helped me all the way as much as they could and I am so greatful to every single one of them, but I can't continue relying on them like that cause the times are hard for them too.

I am completely broken, drained, broke, not able to work, got no savings. Facing a long term treatment with meds and an intense therapy I cannot affort.

This is the reason I am starting this foundraiser. It feels awkward AF to be honest with you. Took me a month to process the decision since ppl from around the world began to talk me into this.

And the music...well to be fair with you I didn't listened to my own records that much over the years. I was living it and ocassionally performing it live. I did it lately and it was intense...it's all in there. No words will describe it better than the emotion in my music does.

If you are in a position to support my case I will be eternally greatful and every penny will definitely help me go through these darkest times.

Thanx for taking time to read this and for your support!

I would also like to encourage every single one of you who struggles with similar issues to mine to come forward and ask for help. I know it is the hardest part. I'm 39 this year and it took me about 15 years to realise and accept the fact that I am not well and actually need help. There is no shame in it. The meds and therapy helps.

Not alcohol and drugs. Now I know.

Always forward,

Love

Mateusz.